Yeah so this is pretty much what the title says. Seemingly random events with no real context to my real issues, just seem to set me off. I suppose it was about time for the geyser of venom to erupt anyway too many things are getting too me, and I'm sure I'm the only person in the world to hit a downer from a conversation about tie-dyed kilts (bad memories). So the whole point of this is to lance the wound yet again and get the festering thoughts out of my head before they do more damage than they already have.

If I could choose a super power it would be the ability to control time. Luxord is my fav org boy for that very reason, and not just because I'm eternally late for everything. Every relationship I've ever had with anyone, online or irl, feels like a clock, ticking down the seconds until I'm no longer needed/wanted. Friends, jobs, teachers, even my parents, there's a clock ticking down the seconds until I'm ejected. I want to stop the clock, but I don't know how, and with ever second I become more unwelcome and more frightened. I've tried many things, and most help me cope with the resulting stress, but nothing stops the clock. There is nothing unconditional, there is nothing that is permanent. I will eventually be abandoned for my fears. I want to believe it's okay to be me, flaws, fears and all, but this has never been the case, real life doesn't work that way. Just once I'd like to not be the one crawling back, the one begging, but I'm not important enough for that. I'm not important enough to have fears taken into consideration, to be understood. No one ever sees it from my point of view, no one ever sees what I see. I'm always wrong, and I'm so tired of being wrong. I so sick of apologizing for being hurt.